It may seem like everyone’s talking about female orgasms nowadays, but when it comes to sexual satisfaction, there’s still a significant gap between what’s going on in men’s and women’s bedrooms. For example, although 80% of women report that they need clitoral stimulation to come during penetrative sex (Reid, 2019), only 33% of men knew this fact—and most of the men who did know were not being honest with their partners about it. So why aren’t women being honest with themselves?
Why is this happening?
When we think about what it means to have sex, we tend to picture men pushing into women. And while there's nothing wrong with having sex that way, many women don't orgasm that way. Some women need clitoral stimulation — but how do we get it? The answer is a little more complicated than some might think. It could be as simple as just touching your clitoris (directly or indirectly) during penetrative sex, or the receiver could rub their clit while the giver pushes in and out of them with their fingers on either side of the clit.
Many women also use vibrators because they provide constant pressure, which feels great for both parties. That said, some people prefer not to use a vibrator and instead opt for manual stimulation from the person penetrating them. But one of the biggest mistakes people make is thinking that any form of penetrative sex will work for anyone who needs clitoral stimulation!
Why are we talking about it now?
Studies has concluded that over 80% of women cannot orgasm solely through penetration, allowing us to talk about female pleasure and maybe even improve sex education. Note around 20% of women are anorgasmic — they don't experience orgasm during sexual intercourse at all — but now we know that lots more women need some clitoral stimulation to come (Kontula & Miettinen, 2016). So let's explore some options.
There is a whole world of sexual experimentation beyond the penis-in-vagina missionary position; there are other ways to be intimate with someone without penetrative sex. You can use a vibrator on your clitoris or masturbate before having penetrative sex for extra stimulation, for example. And if your partner is using their fingers instead of their penis, ask them to touch your clit or give you manual stimulation with their hands while they're inside you. There are also many kinds of positions that provide deeper penetration (such as spooning) which can help stimulate the clitoris because it is being touched by the pubic bone rather than just the shaft.
How can I get more clitoral pleasure during sex?
Most women can't orgasm solely through penetration because they need more clitoral stimulation--a mental connection, desire, sexual self-esteem, and most of all, communication (Kontula & Miettinen, 2016). The clitoris, like a penis, is full of nerve endings and can be very sensitive. If it's not being stimulated enough or feels like there's too much pressure, that could make for a very uncomfortable experience. So try different positions with deeper penetration (but not so deep that it hurts) and give her breasts some attention while you're at it (while not ignoring her clitoris). You might be surprised how many moves get her going.
When I discussed the topic of clitoral orgasms with a close male friend and his partner--we discussed his partner did not prefer penetrative sex and only preferred vibrators to actual intercourse. Just because she doesn't want penetrative sex doesn't mean she won't want any sex. Unbelievably, when the topic of oral sex came about, he was surprised! He learned that his partner only preferred oral clitoral stimulation--mutual oral copulation, even, versus actual penile penetration. Lest we not forget, oral sex is also an option for both of you--don't forget about the clit!
What if my partner thinks I'm selfish/needy because I want more clit stim during sex?
A common misconception about clitoral stimulation is that it is selfish or a sign of needy if a woman asks for it during sex. The idea behind such statements is that women who want clitoral stimulation during penetrative sex are only focused on their own needs, not their partner's. This idea might seem logical initially, but it ignores and reinforces a host of limiting cultural scripts about pleasure and what kind of sexual experience is acceptable or not—namely, that penetration and orgasm should be achieved by everyone all at once. Imagine if someone asked you to stop what you were doing mid-sex so they could get off too—wouldn't that seem a little selfish?
If your partner wants the same thing, why can't you accommodate them? Of course, different people have different preferences when it comes to sex (including clit stim), but even if your partner doesn't need clit stim to come from penetrative sex alone, there's nothing wrong with adding an extra boost.
If I have more orgasms, will I be a more giving lover/partner in bed?
A study by Rutgers University looked at what happens when women are orgasming more frequently. In case you're wondering, an orgasm is one of those things that can help relieve stress, improve pain tolerance and even boost your mood. Researchers stress the importance of increased clit stimulation or activation during the sexual arousal phase in women facilitates regular orgasms—something that's missing in those who don't. In other words, according to science, clitoral stimulation is helpful when it comes to having orgasms (Schumann, 2022).
But the good news is that orgasms are not just helpful; they're essential. And there are plenty of ways to get them. For example, familiarize yourself with vibrators like Lelo or Tenga yourself while your partner penetrates you, touch yourself with fingers and hands as your partner performs oral sex on you, or even use prostate massagers on yourself while he penetrates you vaginally. These little tricks will lead to better sex for both partners and increase pleasure for all involved, which means more orgasms for everyone!
Don't give up on the idea of having an orgasm through intercourse!
Don't give up if you are one of those women who doesn't orgasm during penetrative sex. There is hope and help for you. The main point here is not to give up on having an orgasm through intercourse. Keep trying! And try different positions, stimulation methods, and times of day (some days are better than others). If that doesn't work and you still need more direct clitoral stimulation, then there are options: stimulate yourself during intercourse or have your partner use their hands or a vibrator on your clitoris as they enter and thrust inside of you.
The good news is that even though it seems like a difficult thing to achieve, there are ways for some women (and their partners) to orgasm from intercourse. Some sex positions can add pressure on your clitoris and allow you more freedom of movement with your hands while also feeling full and stretched vaginally. People experience sex and orgasm in many ways, and everyone's different, so don't worry if these tips don't work right away.
It's all about experimentation and lots of practice. Open communication with your partner or lover is the first step to leading a more sensually satisfying and productive sex life!
As always, play safe, my friends.
Reference:
Kontula, O., & Miettinen, A. (2016). Determinants of female sexual orgasms. Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology, 6(1), 31624. https://doi.org/10.3402/snp.v6.31624
Reid, R. (2019, December 12). 80% of women don't orgasm from penetrative sex. Metro. Retrieved June 29, 2022, from https://metro.co.uk/2017/09/21/almost-80-of-women-dont-orgasm-from-penetrative-sex-6945941/
Schumann, M. (2022). The orgasm gap continues with women expecting less during intimacy. Rutgers University. Retrieved June 29, 2022, from https://www.rutgers.edu/news/orgasm-gap-continues-women-expecting-less-during-intimacy